Who Would Jesus Kidney Punch?
Image: a tiny church building on a Wednesday night. Three men sit in a dimly lit room, the last of the serious churchgoers having left after the services concluded. One of the men is an assistant pastor, perhaps a â€œyouth leaderâ€ full of zeal. The other two men are young, and blissfully free from the ravages of intelligence*.
Preacher: You know what Jesus wants you to do?
Darryl: (scratches head, clears lugie from throat, just catches himself in time and doesnâ€™t hawk it on the churchâ€™s threadbare carpet) Ah think so, Preacher. Ta-yull me aâ€™gin.
Preacher: He usually has coffee at Loisâ€™ shop on 12th street, real early in the morninâ€™. You can catch him there.
Darryl: But we tâ€™aint supposed to kill â€˜em, right?
Earl: Not now, anyway.
Preacher: Thatâ€™s right boys. You just need to put the fear of Gawd innim. Break a couple of his Satan fingers, so he canâ€™t type no more.
Darryl: I think we can do that (smiles crookedly with one tooth missing).
Preacher: Now bow your heads, boys. Iâ€™ll speak to the Lord for you now, and git Jesus to bless this holy righteousness.
Douglas County sheriffâ€™s deputies are investigating the reported beating of a Kansas University professor who gained recent notoriety for his Internet tirades against Christian fundamentalists.
Kansas University religious studies professor Paul Mirecki reported he was beaten by two men about 6:40 a.m. today on a roadside in rural Douglas County. In a series of interviews late this afternoon, Mirecki said the men who beat him were making references to the controversy that has propelled him into the headlines in recent weeks.
Mirecki: â€œI didnâ€™t know them, but Iâ€™m sure they knew me,â€ he said.
Mirecki said he was driving to breakfast when he noticed the men tailgating him in a pickup truck.
â€œI just pulled over hoping they would pass, and then they pulled up real close behind,â€ he said. â€œThey got out, and I made the mistake of getting out.â€
He said the men beat him about the upper body with their fists, and he said he thinks they struck him with a metal object. He was treated and released at Lawrence Memorial Hospital.
And to any fundies reading this: fuck with me at your peril. Unlike this poor bastard, I can and will defend myself. The Marine Corps taught me how to not make "mistakes."
*=100 quatloos for movie and actor.