Who Would Jesus Kidney Punch?

Image: a tiny church building on a Wednesday night. Three men sit in a dimly lit room, the last of the serious churchgoers having left after the services concluded. One of the men is an assistant pastor, perhaps a “youth leader” full of zeal. The other two men are young, and blissfully free from the ravages of intelligence*.

Preacher: You know what Jesus wants you to do?

Earl: Ayup.

Darryl: (scratches head, clears lugie from throat, just catches himself in time and doesn’t hawk it on the church’s threadbare carpet) Ah think so, Preacher. Ta-yull me a’gin.

Preacher: He usually has coffee at Lois’ shop on 12th street, real early in the mornin’. You can catch him there.

Darryl: But we t’aint supposed to kill ‘em, right?

Earl: Not now, anyway.

Preacher: That’s right boys. You just need to put the fear of Gawd innim. Break a couple of his Satan fingers, so he can’t type no more.

Darryl: I think we can do that (smiles crookedly with one tooth missing).

Earl: Ayup.

Preacher: Now bow your heads, boys. I’ll speak to the Lord for you now, and git Jesus to bless this holy righteousness.

Douglas County sheriff’s deputies are investigating the reported beating of a Kansas University professor who gained recent notoriety for his Internet tirades against Christian fundamentalists.
Kansas University religious studies professor Paul Mirecki reported he was beaten by two men about 6:40 a.m. today on a roadside in rural Douglas County. In a series of interviews late this afternoon, Mirecki said the men who beat him were making references to the controversy that has propelled him into the headlines in recent weeks.
Mirecki: “I didn’t know them, but I’m sure they knew me,” he said.
Mirecki said he was driving to breakfast when he noticed the men tailgating him in a pickup truck.
“I just pulled over hoping they would pass, and then they pulled up real close behind,” he said. “They got out, and I made the mistake of getting out.”
He said the men beat him about the upper body with their fists, and he said he thinks they struck him with a metal object. He was treated and released at Lawrence Memorial Hospital.

And to any fundies reading this: fuck with me at your peril. Unlike this poor bastard, I can and will defend myself. The Marine Corps taught me how to not make "mistakes."

*=100 quatloos for movie and actor.