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Wednesday Joke Exchange (don't worry it's not Friday yet!)

Truth Partisan's picture

Hey everyone, just seeing if you can remember what day of the week it is! Not.

I have to travel for work Friday.

But could we do without weekly jokes? No.

So...have you heard the one about...

(convention jokes welcome!)

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myiq2xu's picture
Submitted by myiq2xu on

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would
like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, sir.'

------------------------------------------------
“I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.” - Will Rogers

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

2004 Democratic convention jokes

"As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'" —Jay Leno

"Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats, cause the Democrats are like the Red Sox. They're optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer, and ready to choke in the fall." —Jay Leno

"At the convention John Kerry showed up with all his Vietnam crewmates. And not to be outdone, next month at the Republican Convention George W. Bush is going to show up with all his college drinking buddies." —David Letterman

"Last night, wow, John Edwards delivered a positive message to America that hope is on the way, hope is on the way! And today, Dick Cheney replied, 'That is a lie. The world is a pit of misery and despair.'" —Craig Kilborn

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

10 letters?

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

“They say Romney spent $37 million of his own money on the campaign. That’s amazing. I was able to not win the Presidency for free. It didn’t cost me a dime." --Jimmy Kimmel

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

the rug say to the floor?
I've got you covered.

Why isn't Obama at the Democratic Convention yet?
He thinks their policies are too liberal.

Why is Obama winning the general election like playing baseball?
Because to hit a home run, you have to cover all of your bases.

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

How come I can't find any jokes about McCain that aren't agist?

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

"Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." --Jay Leno

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

To compromise with the other side.

Why did the old Democrat cross the road?
To make sure the road workers had health insurance.

Why did the Republicans cross the road?
It was better than double crossing it.

Why did McCain cross the road?
Because mavericks pick their own side of the road!

amberglow's picture
Submitted by amberglow on

(but too true to be funny)

: <

Why did Republicans cross the road?

The private company they sold it to demanded they do so.

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

that the GOP convention is going to be longer than the Democratic convention?

The GOP is more conventional.

Do you know why so many of the GOP are attending the convention this year?

When in doubt go with convention.

Why does it take 6 members of the Bush DOJ to change a lightbulb? One to check the new lightbulb's party, one to change to the new lightbulb, one to deny it happened, one to say they were following orders, one to destroy the e-mails regarding the lightbulb, and one to ask what the law is.

myiq2xu's picture
Submitted by myiq2xu on

1. No one cares about bloggers

2. There are some things a rat won't do

------------------------------------------------
“I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.” - Will Rogers

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

The GOP doesn't seem to be calling Lieberman 'Loserman' anymore.

I don't it should be McSame. My question is: is it McGoodenough?

Prediction: they will repeal the 22nd Amendment and the next election will be Arnie v. Clinton or the Terminator v. Rocky. We can raise money with ticket sales.

amberglow's picture
Submitted by amberglow on

2012 will be whoever McCain's VP is/Jeb Bush vs. Obama/Warner

(throwing up now)

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

They already get enough disappointment from sitcoms.

Did you hear that they are discovering some of the voting machines were rigged?
It came out when Bush won the GOP primary this year.

Wasn't "Forgotten Places" a bad name for the McCain tour? The press couldn't remember where to go.

myiq2xu's picture
Submitted by myiq2xu on

last night.

Officials want to reassure everyone that the thieves were unable to access November's election results.

------------------------------------------------
“I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.” - Will Rogers

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

especially "unable to access" (wiping tears of laughter from eyes)
and amberglow (yikes on the ticket)
and VL (did you like the 10 letters answer?)

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

nice catch on the GOP renting road real life scheme...

Why didn't most Americans cross the road?
Because they can't afford to...

and myiq the Prez Obama thing...funny to think about Jan. I wonder who it'll be...and what they will do first thing.

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

"An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill one wish for each for his own freedom:
The American: "A million dollars and to go back home!"
The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!"
The Russian: "Tsk, and just when we were getting on like a house on fire... Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!""

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

A person by himself stands by a railway track. Another person passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonnggwwayy ttoo tooowwwnn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first person asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo toooowwwnn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

A cowboy is riding across a prairie. His inner voice tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the inner voice.

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

A patient tells the doctor that he cannot live with his roommate anymore. "Why not?" / "Because at night he starts pretending he is a lamp." / "And why does that bother you?" / "I can't sleep with the light on."

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

There is the self-referential Bootsmann Joke, which is one of a kind and is known to produce macho contests of who composes the most elaborate, flowery, multi-level insulting (obscene) masterpiece for the boatswain to utter, but always ends with the same punchline. A loosely translated version is as follows:

The bootsmann stepped out the hatch on the deck, stumbled upon an anchor and flopped flat.
"You swearing swearing swear of a swearing's swear swear, but swear swear, of swearing swear swear's swear!" said the bootsmann, and then swore profusely.

--wiki

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

Wit is a branch of rhetoric, and there are about 200 techniques (technically they are called tropes, a particular kind of figure of speech) that can be used to make jokes.[8]

Irony can be seen as belonging to this field.

--wiki

Truth Partisan's picture
Submitted by Truth Partisan on

Q: How do you put a white elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the refrigerator door. Put in white elephant. Close door.
Q: How do you put a blue elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the refrigerator door. Take out the white elephant. Put in the blue elephant. Close door.

myiq2xu's picture
Submitted by myiq2xu on

8 ounces of root beer and two scoops of elephant

------------------------------------------------
“I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.” - Will Rogers

Submitted by lambert on

I'm sure it's an old chestnut, but I'd never heard it.

[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.