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Today's Election '08 Religious Test

vastleft's picture

In Bible chapter Numbers 11, a little over a year into the Israelites' 40-year stint in the wilderness, they're starting to miss the comfort foods of home.

The Lord (who, throughout Exodus and Leviticus, has made them ritually sacrifice countless animals) responds with characteristic Goodness and Mercy:

...his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.

Yahweh vows to teach the survivors a lesson by giving them meat "until it come out at your nostrils."

And, thus, He conjures up a mountain of seabird for the people to gorge on. But then He decides, fuck it.

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.

So, I ask which of the remaining candidates will pledge to usher in a new era of uncomplaining Unity via this time-honored method?

With a brewing recession and the morals of our country in peril, only such a merger of religious principles and policy can show us the way!

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Comments

chicago dyke's picture
Submitted by chicago dyke on

so many great stories that make you wonder why anyone would bother to worship in the first place. i mean, what a bitchy, grouchy god! and such a temper!

yes, i too would like to hear the candidates who want atheists like me to "make more room at the table" for the faithful, explain to me what i should take from this important moment in the mind of god. is it, "choke on some rotting bird?" cause i'm not sure how that can be applied in the modern political sense.

/erases bad joke about chicken/

Voodoo Chile's picture
Submitted by Voodoo Chile on

My 2nd favorite bible story is the one where some little kids make fun of a man because he's bald. So the man prays to God to have the children murdered, and God grants the man's wish by sending a bear to maul the children to death.

But my favorite bible story is Sodom and Gommorah. Oh yes, you've heard of it. It's what the Christians use to browbeat gays with. But read it again. Really read it.

In that story, Lot "The Righteous" offers up his daughters to be gang-raped by a mob of unruly homosexual men to spare a male angel from said gang-rape. God gets angry and starts murdering the entire city, including Lot's wife for having the sheer fucking audacity for looking over her shoulder.

And then at the end of the story, Lot "The Righteous" takes his daughters up into a cave, has sex with them, and impregnates them.

Gang Rape and Father-on-Daughter Incest and Impregnation - does it get any more Christian than that?

Voodoo Chile's picture
Submitted by Voodoo Chile on

"5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them."

To know, in this sense, means to know sexually. You don't have to believe me though, like the very next verse you can see this same formulation:

"8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

So again, to know = to know sexually.

Also, he's substituting his daughters for the angels. Substituting for what? Gang-rape. If it wasn't clear that they wanted to gang-rape the angels, it's clear that Lot is offering up his daughters as a substitute for said gang-rape.

vastleft's picture
Submitted by vastleft on

I'll have to cogitate on that.

It's pretty distressing to find that the Bible is actually worse than it appears at first reading.