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The National Harlequin Romance Novel

chicago dyke's picture

It occurs to me, it's not an election, it's a national reading of a new Harlequin Romance novel. And not one of the "good" ones. I actually heard some coverage of my guy on the radio yesterday! While they were talking about...a new fiction book. So, in that spirit, I declare Election 2008 to be the year of great Romance, a story no one should miss! I know our press is turning every page with baited breath.

It's mainly because that despite foolish things like national head-to-head polls or policy, what matters to the SCLM is the romance, the heartbreak, the mystery and discovery of those little things that make love seem so special. I heard that on their last date the debate, Hillary and Obama kissed and held hands, told everyone they weren't going to fight ever again, crossed hearts and all that. I'm so glad we're done with that 'bad' chapter of the story, aren't you? It just tears at me, to read of my heroes squabbling and sniping instead of kissing and cuddling.

I bet Lambert can guess what lies at the end of this story.

What young girl's heart can resist the Shining Knight on his Unity Pony? Only a blackguarded one, that's for sure. But a girl's got to play hard to get, she's got to be plucky and a fighter and tender hearted around puppies, and besides, there are 200 more pages to fill, so we can't expect it to end just yet. How does it go? "Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl, happily ever after..."

Now, I confess: it would've been a better story if the editors had allowed the writers to toss in a sideline. You know, where the girl and the boy fight and for a while she's with the other guy. The dark horse, the sullen, broken-hearted prince who sacrifices himself in a last act of defiance to save her at the end right before she goes back to the other guy. Or something, I dunno- what's the more popular iteration of the 3-way romance these days? Maybe a lost baby or financial ruin or something. But anyway, it seems like adults are spoiled by all those really challenging Harry Potter novels, and can't be bothered with complicated, epic romances that unfold across different empires. So we'll just get the basic version. I suppose times are tough in a America, and as readers we want the happy, musical version of distraction. "Annie" instead of "Rent."

Republican readers are being treated to Lord of the Flies, Retirement Home Ed. I sort of pity them; it's always hard for me to read that part where Piggy doesn't get the conch. Do you think most Republicans will read it all the way through to the end, or just skip to the part where Ralph's burning body is hanging from a tree (found only in 2008 eds)? No, that's not it- in this version they burn the dogs, that's right. Well, I'm just glad our side of the classroom gets to read a romance novel.

But I do get mad, and I've crossed them off my list of potential BFFs, our press. Because despite the fact that the unpopular graphic novel about the gnome is still selling in some shops, they keep talking about the bad tranny pr0n they got for xmas last year. I'm so bored with that. Sometimes, when it's late at night I can't concentrate on the printed word either, so I understand the desire to turn to pictures and word bubbles instead. But really- how many times do I need to read about the bald girl in a dress who saved the Village from the bearded ogres by selling herself on the cold, hard streets of Flyoverland? The money shots aren't even that good...

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Submitted by lambert on

This one has a pony on the cover!!!!!!

[x] Any (D) in the general. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.

chicago dyke's picture
Submitted by chicago dyke on

has the wrong hairstyle. i like the pony tho, and the highland gear. i bet you probably know that all UoC "tax cuts and gut SS" clanmembers wear it.