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The Cat Jobs Report: An underreported human job opportunity

Valley Girl's picture

I noted that Hugh posted his recent Jobs Report, here.. I have a lot of "cat jobs" to discuss, thanks to input from Corrente readers. However, as luck would have it, I happened upon a job opportunity for humans- Confuse-a-cat

The script:Confuse-a-cat script Excerpt below:

Mrs B: It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

Vet: Is he ... dead?

Mr A: Oh, no!

Vet: (to camera dramaticaly) Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.

Mrs B: He just sits there, all day and every day.

Mr A: And at night.

Mrs B: Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

Mr A: And his milk.

Mrs B: Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

Vet: Are you at your wits' end?

Mrs B: Definitely, yes.

Vet: Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectacles, sits, crosses legs and puts finger tips together)... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we Vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siecle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.

Mrs B: Moping.

Vet: In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?

Mr A: Well we ...

Mrs B: Sh! No.

Vet: Yes ... well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

Mrs B: What?

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