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So You Want to Be a Screenwriter!

Hey, it's a (semi)(pre) holiday weekend, hits are probably in the toilet, CNN is All Burning British Things All The Time, so I feel no obligation to be all serious and shit. This is just for fun. And Leah.

We head now for the mysterious halls of The David Milch School of Screenwriting Now mind you, this is from Something, and I am not therefore 100% sure this is really written by David Milch. Although it should be. But in any fucking case I don't want any threats of lawsuits, you fucking got that Mr. Milch? Talk to the Something Awful people, I just link here.

(Oh, and about the fucking language: David Milch is the guy who wrote fucking "Deadwood" which, being on HBO, I have never seen, but am assured it had more filthy 19th century language than has ever been broadcast before. And that 19th century filthy language is not unlike that of today, fuck it all. Although I knew that already since I own no less than three copies of Dr. Thomas Lowry's classic Sex in the Civil War which has a whole chapter called "Blue With Oaths" devoted to the fucking subject.)

Lights. Camera. AAAAction...

Your first step is to think of what genre you want to work in. There's a lot of them, right? Seems like you've got a tough choice ahead of you, but you don't. The only genre you need to work in is "a group of loosely connected people stand on a beach and stare off into the ocean when they take a break from mysterious things happening to them".

I know what you're thinking. That's basically Lost, right? No. Lost was simply the first show to work within this genre. There have been hundreds of westerns and thousands of comedies. Is it right for there to be just one show about a group of loosely connected people that stand on a beach and stare off into the ocean when they take a break from mysterious things happening to them? I think not.

So fucking there. I am off to write something mysterious now, on account of I am in really, really desperate need of money REAL soon and am not having any luck getting hired at the local Dollar General, Subway or salvage shop. I am calling my script "Corrente!" because (1) you can't copyright a title (2) exclamation marks are always good, right? and (3) it sounds mysterious.

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leah's picture
Submitted by leah on

You caught the mystique of Milch, perfectly.

"Deadwood" is a particular peeve of mine; so many people I respect love it, but I've never been able to last more than fifteen minutes into an episode, and I've tried to watch it many, many times.

On the other hand, having forced my attention through two episodes of his new series for HBO, "John From Cincinnati" I can say for sure that a mystical Milch is worse than the gritty foulmouthed Milch. And I like surfing, having been a legendary one myself. (I used to tell my NY friends that I was the inspiration for Surfer Girl; it wasn't true but nobody believed me so it was okay.)

I get my laughs, as well as my inspiration from blogs, these days; how many times can you come out of a film scratching your head and asking "how the hell did that script get made?"