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SLUDGE REPORT

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GAY TERRORIST STEM CELLS ATTACK MINIMUM WAGE, RAISE OIL PRICES, SMACK ELDERLY CHRISTIANS DOWN HARD, CAUSE GLOBAL IMMORALITY, GIVE RUSH LIMBAUGH A HICKEY...(developing)
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CONDOLEEZA RICE TO CONTINUE ON AS SHE ALWAYS HAS: SUCKING UP TO POWER, SAYING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP HER IN TIGHT, AWKWARD CLOTHING, ENDLESSLY HUMMING SOME GOD AWFUL POP RADIO TUNE

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OPRAH DENIES DOING WHAT SHE MOST CERTAINLY DID, SO DON'T EVEN GO THERE, NUH-UH!
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SLACK-JAWED BUSH GIVES RANDOM GERMAN WOMAN A BACK RUB, A NECK GRAB, A SKIN TUSSLE & A FABRIC SCRAPE
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JOSEPH WILSON STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT THOSE MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLES WHO ARE DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY--SOME PEOPLE ARE NEVER, EVER HAPPY
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BUSH BELIEVES HE IS OWED BLOW JOB BY RANDOM SEMITIC STAFFER, BUT IS TOO DIGNIFIED TO SUGGEST A STORY BE PLANTED IN THE NEWS INSTRUCTING THE STAFFER (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) TO MEET HIM IN THE GUN CLOSET THIS COMING THURSDAY. REMINDER: NO GIGGLING AND BRING THE BEER NUTS.
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DICK CHENEY TO HAVE ALIEN REMOVED FROM CHEST. SPOKESMAN FOR ALIEN INSISTS THAT IT IS CHENEY WHO WILL BE REMOVED FROM ALIEN'S CHEST..(developing)
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FORMERLY LARGE HOLE IN OZONE TO BE AUCTIONED ON E-BAY
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JOHN BOLTON SHOOTS HIS OWN FEET, JUMPS UP AND DOWN HOWLING IN AGONY, SCREAMS ABOUT "VARMINTS" AND THEN BLOWS UP A BOMB WHICH CAUSES HIS FACE TO BE COMICALLY BLACKENED FROM THE GUNPOWDER...RASCALLY RABBIT ESCAPES FROM BOLTON'S PIRATE SHIP...(developing)
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SWEET JESUS CHRIST DIED FOR ALL YOUR SINS, BUT WHAT DID IT GET HIM? ENTIRELY FICTIONAL MYTHOLOGY LEAVES GOD WITH FEW OPTIONS...SEQUEL TO NEW TESTAMENT STILL CAPTIVE TO TWO-THOUSAND YEAR-OLD WRITER'S BLOCK...RANDOM HOUSE MUM ON RELEASE DATE
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BUSH ADMINISTRATION PROMOTES HURRICANE KATRINA TO TOP LEVEL POSITION--HECKUVA JOB, KAT!
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REPUBLICAN FERTILIZER TO NOW INCLUDE "POOR PEOPLE POTTING SOIL"...DEAD PEOPLE, WHEN GROUND UP, MAKE FOR A MARVELOUS COMPOST...ASK YOUR GARDEN CENTER MANAGER TODAY
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BILL FRIST TO LEAVE POLITICS--WILL PROMOTE VIDEO DIAGNOSTIC SERVICES TO ALL BRAIN DEAD AMERICANS

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