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Let's Play Jonah Goldberg Bingo!

MJS's picture

Alright kids, we've got The Gold Barge's latest Deep Thoughts and Big Ideas from NRO. Get your sheets ready! Here we go:

For several years now, liberal eggheads have been having what seems like an important debate: Do they need “big ideas” like the conservative movement had during its long march to power?

If you have "Liberal Eggheads" on your card you have a winner! And if you have "Its long march" remember to mark it and the box next to it for extra points, but only if you are a billionaire who helped fund that long march.

A more eloquent statement was posted on the liberal blog TPM Cafe: “The problem isn’t getting people to believe in something — people can believe in anything. The problem is getting them to care.” That captures the essence of liberalism’s current plight. If it’s not about emotions — caring, hating, feeling — it’s about tactics. Big ideas have about as much animating force in liberal ranks today as Calvinism does at a porn studio.

The mention of Calvinism and a Porn Studio deserves a double word score, if just for suggesting the great wall that divides them is impenetrable. A phalanx of blood-engorged, Calvin-driven wangs could bring the walls of Jericho down, to say nothing of a split level Video Ranch in Van Nuys. Calvinites have love snouts just like my favorite Jewish Uncle, and to tell them where they may hang their little helmet (if only by snarky suggestion) is overstepping one's place, don't you think? Give yourself 25 points if you have shifted your legs during this paragraph.

Exhibit A is the liberal fight over Sen. Joe Lieberman’s reelection battle in Connecticut. Lieberman, America’s favorite Jewish uncle, is in the fight of his political life because limousine liberal Ned Lamont is challenging him in the Democratic primary.

Listen, for starters, Ann Coulter is my favorite Jewish Uncle, so just shut your trap, Goldie. If any of you try to collect bingo points for the Joe Lieberman as Favorite Jewish Uncle meme don't come to my house looking for complimentary whitefish or corned beef. I'm only saying. Secondly, give yourself an additional 50 points and knock back a shot of your favorite Kosher Reposado if you had "Limousine Liberal" on your card. Attaboy, Jonuts!

Others talk of hawks versus doves, or populists against elitists, the “party line” versus independents, cats versus dogs.

If you know who the "Others" are grab your own ass and shake it but don't break it. Add five points as well.

Referring (presumably) to The Left:

For good or ill, there are no grand “big ideas” behind the anti-Lieberman cause. It’s driven by a riot of passions, chiefly against President Bush and “his” war. Any ideas are mere afterthoughts and rationalizations used to gussy up animus as principle.

If you are in the last throes of a "riot of passions" give yourself 25 points, two boxes and some laudanum. If you accept that Any ideas are mere afterthoughts and rationalizations used to gussy up animus as principle. then you may take the rest of your life off. Seriously. If Goldberg has any ideas as to why American men and women soldiers continue to be maimed or killed in Iraq, it would be best that he keep them to himself, lest his thoughts be miscontrued as animus. Yes, we should embrace the destruction of life, Jonah. Everyone: give yourself 15 points, two squares and for extra credit compose a "mere afterthought" as to why murdering Iraqis to control oil and gas is something that should not be "gussied up."

Robert Byrd of West Virginia has been in the Senate since the mid-Jurassic period. That old, calcified chewing gum stuck underneath the establishment’s chair? He put it there.

10 points for "mid-Jurrasic" and one square for "calcified chewing gum." Would that the gum's geography was such that it would be inflated whenever Mr. Goldberg passed the turbulent winds that rumble and gurgle in his prose and in his posterior. So say all.

Bush hatred drives — or poisons — almost everything in liberal politics now.

That's why I won't eat in a liberal restaurant. Try getting a decent salad with the Bush Hatred on the side. Snotty food servers just throw it on as if you never even asked. Give yourself two points and a saltine cracker.

It was amazing how much of the rhetoric from the recent Daily Kos convention in Las Vegas was about standing up, fighting back, and feeling proud to be Democrats.

Amazing! Stupendous! Remarkable! Wondrous Strange and Momentous! 10 points, three squares and (depending on your time zone) a pint of a Zesty Malted!

Well, thanks for playing. It's kind of like bingo, but with Scrabble-esque points added (along with the Reposado). I'll see if we can't tie some of this to fluctuations in the Stock Market, or such-like.

If you think you've won today's game celebrate this weekend by getting emotional, hating Bush (and his favorite Jewish Uncle, Dick Cheney) and chew some really old gum. But don't get any Big Ideas: those were claimed back during the Long March to Power by Republicans, back when the world was young, and gum had honest-to-goodness sugar in it. No jive.

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