John Mark Karr to Seek Guilty Charge as an Independent
Joe Lieberman Has a New Fan in John Mark Karr (seen here trying to swallow his own mouth)
(Jivester News, Lmtd.) Stealing a page from Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, John Mark Karr has decided to continue in his fight to receive a guilty verdict in the death of Jonbenet Ramsey by taking his case "...directly to the people." In a sternly worded declaration, the lame duck school teacher vowed to continue to seek a guilty verdict against himself in a special "Bust the Sad Boy" election in November.
"I am determined to see this thing through. DNA is anti-democratic in its unwillingness to ignore new facts, or even explore creative ways to bust my ass in the fashion that it must be busted," said the wan-looking pedagogue. "The finding that I am not Jonbenet's murderer is just the first half in a three-part contest, and I intend to prevail during sudden death. I hope to be charged as an Independent so I can get to the business of being locked up forever. Listen up, America: vote me guilty in November or the Terrorists will be in first place."
The case has sparked a great deal of interest among Lieberman campaign staffers as they ponder the impact Karr's vow to continue his fight could have on the Connecticut Senator's end-run around his own party. Speaking on condition of "Not less than four non-happy hour cocktails" one aide to Lieberman offered the following (between the third and fourth cocktails):
"Another olive, please. Sheesh. How many times do I have to ask for a goddamn olive? Anyone? Oh, yeah, I think Karr is testing the waters we all want to taste--yuck--I mean "test." What are you looking at? Anyhoo, if Joe can ignore the evidence that he lost a fairly contested Democratic primary, why not Karr and his DNA Primary? Frankly, I'll vote for him to be guilty, if I ever get another goddamn olive that I've asked for like, umpteeny timesey(sic). My concern, and this is completely off the cuff here--my concern is that Lieberman could be voted as Jonbenet's killer and Karr's gonna end up as some high-ranking member of Congress. Joe would shit some serious bricks if that happened. Serious bricks. Olives! Now!"
The potential for abuse by members of the "Fuck You And Your Gay Little Primary Club" is unknown, but rumors have been spreading among Beltway politicians that the Bush Administration is searching for earlier drafts of the Constitution where "King For Life" appears in the text. The White House has declined to comment, but did ask if anyone "...knows where the Smithsonian hides stuff."
In response to Karr's request to be found guilty in a nationwide contest this fall, government officials have offered him free airplane rides instead. Upon hearing this offer, Karr made a "whirring" sound and bit a pillow.
No members of Congress were harmed in the writing of this post.
UPDATE: I changed the headline because the way I wrote it the first time looks drunker. Olives!
UPDATE #2: Had to change the headline back: the new headline made the previous links to the story all nullsy and voidsy.