Humor to the Gallows and Back
[gifts from the internet]
HOW TO SING THE BLUES: A PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 poun'."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in no place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: ~~a. highway ~~b. jailhouse ~~c. empty bed ~~d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues ~~a. Nordstroms ~~b. gallery openings ~~c. Ivy League institutions ~~d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slep' in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if - ~~a. you older than dirt ~~b. you blind ~~c. you shot a man in Memphis ~~d. you can't be satisfied No, if - ~~a. you have all your teeth ~~b. you were once blind but now can see ~~c. the man in Memphis lived`~~d. you have a 401K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and you darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: ~~a. cheap wine ~~b. whiskey or Bourbon ~~c. muddy water ~~d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: ~~a. Perrier ~~b. Chardonnay ~~c. Snapple ~~d. Slim Fast ~~e. Diet Coke.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: ~~a. Sadie ~~b. Big Mama ~~c. Bessie ~~e. Caledonia ~~d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men: ~~a. Joe ~~b. Willie ~~c. Little Willie ~~d. Big Willie ~~e. Leroy
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Jakeleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
Healthy Self Esteem:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Really BLACK humor:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
On performance evaluation: He couldn’t sell blood to a vampire!
Overheard: “I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus!”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and dip-shit’s.
A guy calls the hospital. “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!” The nurse responds, “Please calm down. Now, is this her first child?” He: “NO, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!!”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a dear with no eyes? No idea!
Sign on a fortune teller’s door: Medium Prices
Sign on an antique shop: Remains to be Seen
Sign on a music store: Gone Chopin. Back in a Minuet.
“How to be Great at Sports” by Hugh DeMann
“Always at Work” by Anita Dayoff
“Great Quotes from Shakespeare” by Toby R. Notobee
“Planning a Vacation” by Vera U. Going
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
shortest distance between 2 jokes = 1 straight line
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird
10 cards = 1 decacards
time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananasecond
Classic Hollywood Quotables:
Paul Newman: “The salad dressing is outgrossing my films!”
Shirley Temple: “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. My mother took me and he asked for my autograph.”
Elizabeth Taylor: “Always the bride, never the bridesmaid.”
Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.”
TOM SWIFTIES (adverbial puns):
“My pencil is dull,” Tom said pointlessly.
“She tore my valentine in half,” Tom said half-heartedly.
“I’m feeling sick,” Tom said fluently.
“I milk cows,” Tom said moodily.
“I love cats,” Tom mused.
“That’s a mongrel,” Tom muttered.
“I travel all over America,” Tom stated.
“Company’s coming?” Tom guessed.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6AM. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend that day. After checking his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) he turned off his radio (MADE IN INDIA), went outside and got into his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and drove off to continue his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of another futile day he came home, put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA). Maybe tomorrow he would find something?
[cross-posted on open salon]