Friday Joke Exchange
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Submitted by Truth Partisan on Fri, 09/12/2008 - 4:56pm
It's Friday. Heard any good jokes?
I'm thinking about fruit jokes and Shakespeare jokes....
Why aren't bananas ever lonely?
Because they come in bunches!
What do you get when you cross a potato with an onion?
A potato with watery eyes!
or
I don't know but I want to eat it for breakfast!
What do you get when you cross a tree with a genius?
Albert Pinestein!
How do bananas greet each other?
With a banana shake!
What is King Kong's favorite food?
Ape-ricots!
When is an apple a grouch?
When it's a crab apple!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine!
Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says, ‘I’m not serving you.’
Shakespeare says, ‘Wherefore, prithee?’
And the landlord says, ‘You’re bard!’
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one of my all-time favs--tasteless tho--
"St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter replies, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
; >
Two penguins are standing
Two penguins are standing on an iceberg.One penguin says to the other, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin replies, "Who says I'm not?"
A penguin walks into a bar
A penguin walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10." The penguin pays and the bartender serves him his drink, saying, "You know, we don't get many penguins coming in here, you know." The penguin says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
Why don´t Penguins like
Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
How does the big Ocean heat
How does the big Ocean heat up a hot chocolate?
A micro-wave.
What do elephants do at
What do elephants do at 5:00 in the morning?
They hide in the forest and jump out of trees.
i'd forgotten this one
one of my favorites
A penguin walks into a
A penguin walks into a Bakery and says, "I'd like to buy some bread." The baker looks at him and says, "All right, what kind would you like? White or Brown?" The penguin replies, "It doesn't matter. I'm riding my bike home."
A polar bear, a giraffe and
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A goldfish walks into a bar
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
The Story of My Life
A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
A book walks into a bar.
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
How many actors does it
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A few more times...
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many does the script call for?
OR
Doesn't the stage manager do that?
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's the light bulb's motivation?
Guess which comic?
One old fellow at St. Andrews told me, "I had a golfer who was so lousy he threw his clubs into the water. Then he dived in himself. I thought he was going to drown, but I remembered he couldn't keep his head down long enough."
Which comic ran for president as the candidate
of the Surprise Party?
Why do cats
Why do cats hate flying saucers?
Because it's so darn hard to drink the milk!
I saw an interview on TV
I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money. He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."
--from Basic Jokes
Farmer Peters hired a man
Farmer Peters hired a man to sort his potato crop. He told the man to make three piles: one for the small potatoes, one for
the medium-size ones, and one for the large ones.
After several hours, the man told Farmer Peters he was quitting his job. He seemed flustered, his brow was beaded with perspiration, and his shirt was also wet.
"Is the work too hard for you?" Peters asked.
"No," he answered, "but all the decisions are killing me."
--Basic Jokes
Why should you never fly with Peter Pan?
Because you'll never never land.
chef2chef.net:
"I hate all those people who make generalisations"
"I used to be apathetic, but now I just don't care."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know."
"I've decided that I procrastinate too much, but I'm going to change that in a week or so."
Because it's a bus line!
[rimshot, laughter]
[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.
Where do the reindeer like
Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
"Deery" Queen!
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
"Elk"-a-seltzer!
How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the "deer"-bell!
What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
What did the hot dog say
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I'm the wiener!
A penguin, a polar bear, a giraffe, a horse, and a goldfish
walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "does the gorilla have to work tonight?"
Knock-knock
ME: I've got a great new knock-knock joke. Say "Knock-knock."
YOU: Knock-knock.
ME: Who's there?
The Arkansas traveller
stopped by a homestead and hailed the old woman on the porch. "Good morning ma'am, could I speak with your husband?"
"Oh, no, sir, he's gone a hunting."
"What! Hunting on a Sunday? Don't he fear God?"
"Oh, he takes his shotgun wherever he goes."
a deedle eedle dum dum dum dum dee
dum dum dum dee deedle eedle dum dum ...
Policy not party!
The Centipede --
The Centipede:
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my freaking shoes on!'
LOL!
Thanks, amberglow!
[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.
cassius chaerea
I liked your joke!
+100
Me too. I have an abiding affection for bartender one-liners.
"So, an investment banker walks into bar, and the bartender says...."
Make up your own jokes!
[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.
Swift Loris, my favorite knock-knock joke
Thanks!
(you figured out a way to write it down, good job!)
gob
I haven't heard one of these for a long time, thanks.
Lambert
You are funny.
Amberglow
I hadn't heard that one!
Thanks for all the funny jokes you've been posting.
The first
comic--about golfing--was Bob Hope; the second, the candidate for The Surprise Party, was Gracie Allen. See here for details about her humorous and very extensive campaign for President.