Favorite Funny Moments from the Movies
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Carol Connelly: Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I -
[Beverly (her mother) butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
JC: I need to get out of here! I need to work! I need people! I need a social life! I need SEX!
Plumber: But, but ... but I’m a married man!
AARON: It was great...writing my little first rate copy, sitting on my jacket, punching my one thought. But I had this historic attack of flop sweat so they'll never let me another again. Oh, I lost one of your shoulder pads -- how was your evening anyway?
JANE: What do you mean, flop sweat? -- you're making too much out of it...I'll bet you were the only one aware of it...
AARON: People phoned in.
JANE: Stop kidding. I want to know what happened.
AARON: I'm not kidding.
JANE: There were complaining phone calls because you were sweating?
AARON: No, nice ones worried that I was having a heart attack.
[Watching Aaron's flop sweat attack]
News Producer: This is more than Nixon ever sweated.
Aaron Altman: I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.
Jane Craig: This isn't friendship. You're crazy, you know that?
Aaron Altman: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?
Jane Craig: God!
Aaron Altman: Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?
Aaron Altman: No. I'm semi-serious here.
Jane Craig: You're seriously...
Aaron Altman: He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.
Jane Craig: So you like me, huh?
Tom Granick: I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an a**hole.
Aaron Altman: Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say it's not nice to point at single fat women.
[after Paul fires one of his workers]
Paul Moore: Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.
IN THE LOOP
Malcolm Tucker: "Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!
Judy: You know they're all kids in Washington? It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.
Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
Malcolm Tucker: Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a f*cking paper weight. That's a true story.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... Is this it? No offence, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a f*cking toilet.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat f*ck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your f*cking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.
Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his f*cking umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your f*cking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to f*cking bail you out.
(Maggie Smith) This is your cell. Mary Clarence.
(Whoopi Goldberg) My what?
(Maggie) Your cell. Your room.
(Whoopi) Oh. Man. No wonder you waited till now to spring this on me. It's like a nightmare. Where's the rest of the furniture?
(Maggie) Our lives are simple. We have little need for material possessions.
(Whoopi) This is out of the Stone Age. Where's the phone?
(Maggie) Who would you call?
(Whoopi) I don't know. Satan?
(Maggie) If I were you. I would use this time to think about my life and its direction. Or lack thereof.
(Whoopi) There's nothing wrong with my life. You know. Before I came here. I had a career. I had friends. I had clothing that fit. Before I came here. I was okay.
(Maggie) Oh. Really? From what I've heard your singing career was almost nonexistent...and your married lover wants you dead.
THE OUT OF TOWNERS
(Jack Lemmon) You could have been having breakfast in bed this morning. Orange juice and eggs and sausages and buttered toast with...marmalade and a pot full of hot coffee. Instead, you're eating stale Cracker Jack left by a dog in an underpass in Central Park at... Where's my watch? My watch.
(Sandy Dennis) Don't get excited.
(Jack) I'm not excited. Where is it?
(Sandy) It all happened so quickly.
(Jack) What happened?
(Sandy) You said you wouldn't get excited!
(Jack) That's before what you said. Where's my watch?
(Sandy) I gave it to a man in a black cape while you were sleeping.
(Jack) You gave my ____ watch to a man in a black cape? Why?
(Sandy) Because it looked like he had a knife. I told you, it all happened so quickly!
(Jack) Why didn't you wake me up?
(Sandy) I didn't want you to get knifed!
(Jack) You're telling me I was mugged while I was sleeping? By a man in a cape? I don't believe that.
(Sandy) You were robbed by a man with an umbrella. You believed that, didn't you?
(Jack) He didn't ask for any money?
(Sandy) He just took the watch and ran.
(Jack) He didn't ask for the watch, you just gave it to him?
(Sandy) I had to. He had a knife!
(Jack) Did you see the knife?
(Sandy) A man doesn't stand over you at four a.m. In a cape if he doesn't have a knife, does he?
(Jack) I don't know, it's never come up!
(Sandy) I don't want to discuss it.
(Sandy) What do you think, George? What do you think?
(Jack) I think I just busted a tooth.
(Sandy) On the Cracker Jack?
(Jack) I must have swallowed the prize. It felt like a little tin toy.
(Jack) Did you hear that? A whistling sound... I'm whistling through my broken tooth.
(Sandy) I don't hear it.
(Jack) On the "s". It's a whistling sound! You think they'll give the job to a man who can't smile and whistles? Not on your sweet life.
(Jack) Let's go out the west side.
(Sandy) I can't move.
(Jack) You chased a dog and beat a horse. You're stronger than you think.
ARSENIC AND OLD LACE
Mortimer Brewster: Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Mortimer Brewster: But there's a body in the window seat!
Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster: You know?
Martha Brewster: Of course!
Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster: Now look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
Room Clerk: Are you here for an affair, sir?
Room Clerk: The Singleman party, sir?
Benjamin: Ah, yes, the Singleman party.
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.
Mrs. Robinson: Isn't there something you want to tell me?
Benjamin: Tell you?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes.
Benjamin: Well, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Really.
Mrs. Robinson: The number.
Mrs. Robinson: The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.
Armand: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?
Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.
Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!
Agador: I know.
Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
Jack Walsh: I can't keep you cuffed on a commercial flight, and I gotta check my gun with my luggage, but you f*ck with me once and I'm gonna break your neck.
Jonathan Mardukas: I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: What?
Jonathan Mardukas: You heard me, I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: No, no, no. You're going to have to do better than that, pal.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, I don't have to do better than that, because it's the truth, I can't fly: I suffer from aviaphobia.
Jack Walsh: What does that mean?
Jonathan Mardukas: It means I can't fly. I also suffer from acrophobia and claustrophobia.
Jack Walsh: I'll tell you what: if you don't cooperate, you're gonna suffer from "fistophobia".
Jack Walsh: Well, let me describe the scene to you: There are these guys, see? They've probably been up for like two days; they stink of B.O.; they have coffee breath; they're constipated from sittin' on their asses for so long; they're sitting in a van, and they're probably parked right up the street from your office Eddie, YOUR PHONE IS TAPPED!
Jimmy Serrano: Don't say a word to me, Sidney, don't say a f*cking word to me. I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone in your head.
Jonathan Mardukas: You have two emotions, silence and rage.
Jonathan Mardukas: You two are the dumbest bounty hunters I have ever seen! You couldn't even deliver a bottle of milk!
Jonathan Mardukas: All you're leaving is two dollars?
Jack Walsh: That's fifteen percent.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, that's thirteen percent!
Jonathan Mardukas: What you think Serrano is most afraid of?
Jack Walsh: [pause for a moment] going cross-country with you!
Jimmy Serrano: Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone.
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
Bank Teller #1: Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?
Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean?
Virgil: It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural.
Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup?
Louise: He'd have the gang over for a meeting and I'd put out a little tray of pretzels and bullets... I had to. He's my husband.
The Narrator: Food on a chain gang is scarce and not very nourishing. The men get one hot meal a day: a bowl of steam.
Sheldon: You were involved in the Bay of Pigs?
Vince Ricardo: Involved? That was my idea.
Vince Ricardo: I was in the jungle - the bush we called it - for approximately nine months...
Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something!
Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.
Sheldon: There's no reason to shoot at me, I'm a dentist.
Sheldon: Please God, don't let me die on West 31st Street!
Vince Ricardo: Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine!
THE ODD COUPLE
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray: What do you got?
Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray: I'm hungry!
Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.
Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.
Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]
IN AND OUT
Peter: What was Barbra Streisand's eighth album?
Howard: Color Me Barbra.
Howard: Everybody knows that!
Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
Emily: (standing there in her wedding dress)Are you really gay?
Howard: Hmm Hmm
Emily: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT OF TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!
Cameron: This is where I grew up.
Sonja: I don't care.
Cameron: Sonja, we're here to help someone. For once, we're gonna think about something besides our careers and our hair.
Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We're regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!
[cross-posted on open salon]